What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 01:13
She was in good health!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Comes on , in middle age.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why do women have sex with dogs?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One cannot live in the past .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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I was scared of men, in general
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I gave him everything. He said he loved me. Why?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She loved him until the end.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I never cut or harmed myself..
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Does a person with schizophrenia hear voices?
I write beautiful poetry .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But ive been too sick for many years..
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Put me off passion for life!!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But, we were locked up after school.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
All the time i was locked up.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We all went to grammer schools
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He resisted the act ,that day.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And i lived it daily.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She wouldn,t have been !
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I think the readers, may guess!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He knew the spot.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She found it foreign!.
When she asked me how she looked .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Would this be the day?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I have no regrets .
I was 9 years of age.
She married twice! .
As i do to all so called friends.?
So whats the point in blame.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was very sick at this time too.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Ive learnt so much.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But it wasn’t much.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I couldn’t, believe it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im still living with it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I waited trembling.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I will be 64.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was seconnd youngest,
I don,t even have a pension.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My life is so biszare .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
It was going to be , some day.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Was to survive, this bastard.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
This is soul school!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Especially a lifetime of it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My family never makes their pension either.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We were not on the streets..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I said to her
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
What did i know ?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So, i spoilt her more .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Who then, do I blame.?